Old Woman Winter

January kicked my butt. It was a long month. I limped to the end with aches and pains everywhere, feeling old and feeble. There were many reasons for this--husband working 80 hour weeks, family obligations, increased work load, etc--but I felt it more than usual this time. I felt OLD.

Monday night I dragged my tired, 40 year old butt to book group, grumbling to myself about my exhausting-never-feel-caught-up lot in life. I got a glass of wine and joined a group of women chatting before the book discussion got underway. One of the women had just returned to book group after being out of it for several months, so we had not met before. This particular group has been going for over six years, but I joined about six months ago.

Robin was catching the other members up on the status of her paraplegic husband who had undergone extensive surgery to put rods in his back a month ago. Except both rods had broken. She matter-of-factly explained that they were devastated by this turn of events because the rods were supposed to allow him greater stability. He had even lined up a series of interviews and the family was looking foward to a "normal" life. Now they were back to square one and the broken rods had damaged tissue and caused a massive infection. This woman was kind and warm and quietly noble.

I turned off the little violens and whimpering voices in my head. I am tired. My body is aging. I do feel overwhelmed. And I am so, so grateful.

Six more weeks? If only!

I'm a big fan of Groundhog Day. I like to think that someone out there has some kind of answers, and it stands to reason that a creature who spends so much time underground would be tapped into some kind of earthy wisdom.

But this year, I don't really care if there are six more weeks of winter--winters here in Texas are not so bad. What I really need to know the groundhog can't tell me. I need reassurance and facts far beyond the weather. So, unless he is coming over to do a few loads of laundry or cook dinner or put a bunch of bankers in jail, I don't find him particularly helpful this year.

Happy Groundhog Day.

Superior Moments

I'm a great aunt (no hyperbole, really)! Introducing my great nephew Levi, pictured here with his bevy of beautiful cousins. I remember the day Levi's mom, my niece Allison, was brought home from the hospital and she was so tiny my sister dressed her in a pink doll dress. I can clearly remember the first time she was put into my nine year old arms. Now she is a serene and amazing mom of this little guy. Kinda blows my mind!!

This is Littlest on her way to her first day in school!! We both survived.

My dear, dear blog friend Pseudonymous High School Teacher honored me with an award this week. The blog that originated this award, Scholastic Scribe, started on my 40th birthday (a random yet interesting fact).
I pass this on to a couple of Austin bloggers Rockzee and The Bean. (Not quite five, but two well deserving) They will find the rules here.

Career (Mis)Management Monday

Tomorrow is a big day for me, both professionally and as a mom. Professionally, I have reached the point where I feel competent enough in my freelance income generating ability to warrant sending littlest to school two days a week. This may not sound like a big deal, but trust me--it's HUGE. I have the income coming in to pay for her schooling and still help keep the family from teetering over the edge of financial ruin (barely). It feels pretty damn good.

As a mom, in eight years I have been away from my children rarely. There have been a few date nights, one school overnight trip when I was teaching and an afternoon of traded babysitting with a neighbor here and there. I don't say this to get my card punched in the Mommy Martyr Hall of Fame. It was quite deliberate on my part. I grew up with a mom who wasn't there for me, even when she was in the same room. I want to be there for my daughters and have probably gone a little too far in the other direction.

Tomorrow I will drop Littlest off and be child-free for seven hours. Ack! I will get tons of work done (after I cry my eyes out and throw-up). Wish me luck!

Fourth photo

I saw this over at only a movie and thought it would be fun.

The rules of the game:

1. Go to the the 4th folder where you keep your pictures on your computer.

2. Post the 4th picture in the folder.

3. Explain the photo.

4. Tag 4 fellow bloggers to join in the fun!

So here is the fourth photo from my fourth photo folder and...it's not too exciting. This is Biggest's second Christmas. This is our first Christmas in our CT house (yes, that is the arm of a plastic chair that was an integral part of my living room furniture at the time). I think we cut that tree down ourselves. Wait, now I remember we got that tree at the locally owned nursery just down the road from us. We bought our first flowers for our gardens there in the summer. Biggest loved it because she could ride around in a little red wagon while we perused the rows and rows of plants outside. We came back and bought our tree from them and the owner had three teenage daughters who worked in the shop. I remember thinking maybe I would have three daughter and raise them in these Connecticut woods...


So now I tag pseudo, beth, kerfuffle and VM (she so loves to be tagged).

Someday you will stand where I am standing

My list of thoughts for the checkout girl at HEB (Texas grocery store chain) yesterday:

I see the way you are looking at me with that combination of doubt, scorn and boredom neatly arranged on the taunt skin of your face; conveyed succinctly through the tireless popping of your bright blue chewing gum.

Someday you will love a man (maybe you even know him now). You will build a life together. You will discover that love and hate are not opposites, but are intricately intertwined like the brush strokes of an impressionist painting. From a distance it looks seamless, but up close you see all the hard work that goes into love.

Someday you will wonder what happened to the person you thought you would become. You will remember that you had dreams and ambitions. You used to do things.

It may take some time, but you will discover that this person—this tired, faded person with nubbly legs and a style-less ponytail—is more than you could imagine. You will discover that there are no words, no youthful context for the wondrous unseen parts of your life.

There will be moments in your future that you will carry in your spine: the birth of your first child; the easier birth of your second and third child; the miscarriages. These moments will make you stronger, stand a little taller.

Your mother-in-law will despise you for reasons that are unclear and perhaps complicated. She will always be nice to your face, thus making her contempt both bearable and insidious.

You will come to love and forgive your own mother in new and unexpected ways.

Your children will be the very best and absolute worst moments of the rest of your life.

Someday you too will accept defeat in the battle against age. You will surrender to the absolute inevitability of sagging, wrinkled skin. You won't wear make-up to the grocery store.

In your mind’s eye, you will still be the young woman that you liked the best. And no one, no amount of doubt, scorn or boredom can ever take that away from you.

Green thoughts

I think I'm going with lists this week. Today's list is from an article I did yesterday. Think green, people!

A quick tour through the internet to websites like Earth911.com, about.com and Yahoo Green can garner plenty of information about the consumer impact on the environment. Here are some less than festive facts:

• Americans use over 380 billion plastic (polyethylene) bags per year.
• Americans throw away approximately 100 billion polyethylene bags per year.
• It takes 1000 years for polyethylene bags to break down.
• Plastic bags do not biodegrade, they photodegrade, which means they slowly break down into smaller and smaller bits that can contaminate soil and waterways.
• In 2007, the amount of paper recovered for recycling averaged 360 pounds for every person in the United States.
• Each American sends about 300 pounds of packaging to the landfill every year.
• Each year, Americans throw out almost 180,000 tons of batteries.
• Batteries are comprised of heavy metals, which include nickel cadmium, alkaline, mercury, nickel metal hydride and lead acid. These can threaten our environment if not properly discarded or handled.
• Many toys are made with Polyvinyl Chloride, or PVC #3 plastic, which is often difficult to recycle.

So here are my green tips that with a little less fuss this season you can be good to the environment and your bottom line:

• Make a list of everyone you plan to give gifts to this season.
• Set a budget and a time frame for holiday spending. Knowing exactly how much you can spend and that you will have it all done by a certain date can cut down on the stress of the season.
• Look at the sales fliers in the paper and search websites for the best prices. Make a plan of what you can buy online and what can be purchased in one-stop shopping trips to the mall or shopping centers.
• Make a budget for special holiday cooking and make lists of what you’ll need. The key to making this work is sticking to the budget and following your list.
• Take reusable cloth shopping bags wherever you go.
  
• Recycling doesn’t just have to mean your plastic, glass and paper. Try shopping children’s resale shops for toys and games. Often you can find barely used or even brand new items. It can also be a good way to make a little extra money, too, by recycling gently used toys, games and clothes.
• Consider that perhaps a special outing can be more meaningful than a present and is certainly something that comes with less packaging.
• Be creative with gift wrapping by using cloth bags, hand decorated paper bags for wrapping paper, or even make part of the gift the wrapping.
• Batteries can be a safety hazard as well as an environmental hazard. It might be a good idea for the well being of your little one to skip the loud electronic toy (It may be good for your well being, too).
• When it comes to the must-have electronics for older kids, try to use rechargeable batteries.
• Turn decorative lights off during the day and at bedtime to save energy.
• After the holidays, recycle your Christmas tree. Usually they use the trees for mulch, so your holiday spirit is recycled into the New Year.